Friday, April 22, 2011

If households budgeted like the G.O.P.


Let's expand on this, shall we? Here's some other actions household families would do . . .

In a time of budget crisis, daddy would:

  • Insist that one of his children could never ever ever ever ever get married, even though the son is very willing to pay for the wedding himself, and his marriage costs would support daddy's own wedding planning company, because Jesus told him it's wrong for him to marry this person.
    .
  • Take his children off of their medical insurance, because that's so socialist (although he and mommy stay on it), and instead hand them a $20 gift card for them to take care of all their medical needs. Remind them they can spend this better than the damned guv'ment can, cuz the guv'ment can't do nothing right. Tell them to just work harder when they come down with leukemia, which their allowance doesn't nearly cover.
    .
  • When obesity seems to be a problem the children are having, but the wife is thinking of encouraging the kids to eat right, daddy would blast her for ruling their diets in an Orwellian manner, yelling, "Keep your commie hands off my french fries!" Ignore the fact the medical bills would go down considerably if little Johnny and Judy could get exercise without waddling and injecting insulin. Continue subsidizing their diets only if they choose to eat pre-packaged meals, and ridicule them with "science facts" if they should ever become crazy enough to want something organic.
    .
  • After giving a bunch of monetary gifts to his buddies, he would suddenly see that there's this shortfall in the family budget. He would then declare this an emergency and then step outside into the back yard with a sledgehammer to destroy the kids already-built treehouse so they couldn't have a right to gather in it anymore, because somehow this clubhouse is to blame for the budget.
    .
  • When he catches someone breaking into the house and ruining some of the family's belongings, he would declare war on a family down the street because they have the same skin tone, then go into a crazy spending spree for weapons to fight this war but fail to put the expenses on the family budget. And of course, leave the liabilities in his children's name. While accusing the wife of being such a spend-happy liberal.
    .
  • Most of all, to sit down and balance his budget, the first thing he'd do is call his boss and demand that he stop paying him so much in wages. You see, taxes are the country's only income. And Republicans think you can balance a budget by having none, while all those needs that the country has... well... they don't magically vanish for your convenience. That's why our infrastructure is collapsing, you see. Daddy would rather cut his own wages and end up on the street in a box, his wife homeless, his child uneducated, just so his rich boss won't have to pay more to him. Because he's a moron who has no idea he's voting against his own self interests.
Just to name a few. What have you got to add to this?