Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Republicans learned how to speak jive

This is not a spoof. This is an actual ad run by Republicans:

Let's see, assumption all military people vote Republican? Assumption that if you don't cheat on your wife you'd vote Republican... for a bunch of people whose main hypocrisy is that they claim gays shouldn't marry and destroy the sanctity of marriage, and yet how many of them are caught cheating on their wives? And tout suite? REALLY REPUBLICANS? And can you get a whiter sounding man to try to say black-sounding words? The whole time I'm hearing this guy, I'm picturing this guy:

But the conclusion is what kills me...
If you make a little mistake with one of your ‘hos,’ you’ll want to dispose of that problem tout suite, no questions asked.

That’s too cold. I don’t snuff my own seed!

Maybe you do have a reason to vote Republican.
Wait... what??? Are we suggesting if you don't vote Republican, it's because you're too busy masturbating? Then explain why this whole ad feels like one big self-administered cumshot. I repeat, this is a real Republican ad. It is not made up. It is not a spoof. And it thinks it's speaking to 'teh blacks'. 

I wonder what they'd do for an ad on Logo... 

*looks up and ponders, cue a Wayne's World type of flashback... *
*diddlydoo diddlydoo diddlydoo*
We suddenly arrive in a very neat and tidy hair salon decorated meticulously with lots of nude male statues and rainbows. Weather Girls are playing in the background, because that's what the gays do. A man with an exaggerated lisp but absolutely no rhythm whatsoever (because he's clearly only trying to pretend to be gay) approaches a Log Cabin Republican...
Voice: Thissth ad isth paid for by Log Cabin Republicansth... 
Harvey: Haaaaay Bruuuce. 
Bruce: Hello there, Harvey. 
Harvey: When you get done with his faux hawk, wanna go South of Market and find a dark room for some unprotected anonymous sex? 
Bruce: No, that's okay. I have to get home for my ex gay meeting. 
Harvey: You know girlfriend, that church really changed you. 
Bruce: The love of Jesus does that. Makes you want to get right with our heterosexual male God. 
Harvey: So I suppose you want me to vote Republican? Like all of you and your Christian buddies. 
Bruce: Not at all. You've got no reason to. 
Harvey: How's that? 
Bruce: Well you don't go to church, what do you care about making this a Christian theocracy? 
Harvey: Oh, what in gay hell are you talking about? 
Bruce: You go down on all kinds of guys, so why would you care about protecting marriage? 
Harvey: Hey, I like married guys. After a couple six packs, they're all easy. 
Bruce: And I know you're not going to enlist to defend your country. So why should you be upset with Don't Ask Don't Tell? 
Harvey: Well not everyone is as butch as you are, sista. 
Bruce: And if you pick up a little something that itches from one of your tricks, you'll want to use tax payer money to get rid of it so you can get back to the dark alleys tout suite. 
Harvey: Now that's too cold. I don't ever wanna stop spilling my seed. 
Bruce: Hmmm, maybe you do have a reason to vote Republican!