Monday, June 20, 2011

FAMBLA Keeping the Testes in their Testaments

In absolutely no other place in the world would this be so strong a newsworthy event, except of course on FAMBLA's OneNewsNow site. A new translation of the Bible, the 2011 NIV, is set to be replacing the 2005 and 1984 versions. Eventually it will just be called the Wikibiblia and people will be able to add their own verses to be judged and verified. Eventually someone will accidentally the whole thing and all of the private messages between the apostles will be hacked.

The new version uses "gender-neutral language", and so of course it is rejected by FAMBLA, the Southern Baptists, and even Jerry Falwell was heard writhing in his grave. The sound of the baby Jesus crying could be heard from the clouds:
At its recent convention in Phoenix, the largest evangelical denomination in the nation voted not to commend the 2011 New International Version (NIV) Bible because of its usage of gender-neutral language.

In the old translation of the world's most popular Bible, John the Evangelist proclaims: "If anyone says, 'I love God' yet hates his brother, he is a liar." Make that "brother or sister" in the new translation, which includes more gender-neutral language.
Said dean of Southern Baptist Theological Seminary's School of Church Ministries, Dr. Randy Stinton about the matter:
"Southern Baptists, along with other evangelicals, affirm what we call the 'verbal, plenary inspiration' of scripture," he explains, "which means that we believe not just the broad thoughts of scripture are inspired by God, but every word. And so every word, when it is translated from Greek, Hebrew, or Aramaic, matters."
In other words, to apply this to the verse above, women are actually exempt from the rule because they weren't in there. They can hate their brother all they want. Since Randy is from the highly civilized town of Muncie, Indiana, I can only assume that they hate their brothers for very justified reasons, often involving having to wipe stuff off of their chins or use the sponge to prevent "mistakes". See? They are thinking about women's rights or something.

Finally they posed this poll --->

Notice that, since they've just trashed NIV 2005 and 2011, neither are in the list of choices? Why? Because FAMBLA says so. You can choose "other" but you damned well won't have the opportunity to verbally choose the ones that they just commanded you to hate, showing them up on their own poll. 

It would've been great fun had they given a field to write-in your favorites had you chosen "other", because there's all sorts of fun things one could write in there:
  • New International Clown Posse Version
  • The Idiot's Guide to the Bible and Silly Religious People
  • Standard New International Version of Egalitarian Liturgy (SNIVEL)
  • The Pop-Up Plague Bible
  • How Jesus Got His Groove Back
  • The Gospel According to Sarah Palin
    (The one where Jesus rode ahead there and warned the British that they better not try to take our guns there because one if by gosh, two if by golly, ya betcha!)
  • Harry Potter and the Book Full of Bullshit