Thursday, June 06, 2013

You LITERALLY need to stop using the word LITERALLY

People overusing literally in the stupidest ways imaginable lately has begun to drive me out of my freakin' mind. [Notice I didn't say literally out of my mind because that's NOT how that word is used, people!] And it's not just me who's notice how people have lately been blurting it out worse than teenage girls use the word like as every other word of all their damned sentences:

But apparently it's not new to do so, as the following video demonstrates, showing the many people in literary history who have done the same... notice I didn't say who have literally done the same because there's NO FUCKING NEED TO USE THE WORD THERE!

So if above I'd said teenage girls used "like" as literally every other word, that would be believable hyperbole, but I didn't. I refrained. Please do the same. It's not really needed for hyperbole, as I'll explain later. It's not witty when you people use it. Instead, you just sound like Zack here:


But even still, I don't even care if you're using it technically correct according to the dictionary, or if you're using it in intended hyperbole. I'm pulling the plug on this word NOW. Listen up people. There's a way that this word is meant to be used and a reason most of you are not intelligent enough to do so correctly. And that reason actually cannot be stated through cold dictionary terminology.

Not everything in life is literary. Not everything in life has a dead metaphor behind it that you need to distinguish your overblown thing you're talking about so as to differentiate it from a figurative meaning. That is what the word is for.

Of the past 100 times that I've heard the word used, I would have to say that merely 3 or 4 of those times had the word used correctly. Notice I didn't say literally 3 or 4 times because "literally" is NOT supposed to be synonymous with "merely" or "virtually," despite what that lady above said.

Listen up. Zack from the Big Bang Theory meant that "million years" thing as hyperbole, and it would come across as hyperbole without the word literally. No adverb was needed there at all. If you're tempted to use literally just to add emphasis, ask yourself if you're using it for this particular purpose:

"I really didn't want to stay through the entire show. I was just there to see the number where my sister sang her song and then I left. So you can literally say it was over for me when the fat lady sings."

If the answer is no... then DON'T FUCKING USE THE WORD! You'll notice you probably don't need any word there. Your words probably stand on their own. I haven't heard the word used correctly the past 80 times I've heard it. That right there said all I needed to say. To add literally is to add an unnecessary word that is only being used stupidly anyway.

In the example above, there is a proverbial or figurative saying that something isn't over until "the fat lady sings." In this sentence the speaker is actually differentiating between the figurative by saying that he means it literally. This is the only reason you'll ever truly need to use this word.

Notice I didn't say this is literally the only reason you'll ever truly need to use this word, because I already had truly for emphasis, too many adverbs make a sentence clunky, and THAT'S NOT HOW THAT FUCKING WORD IS USED!!!

As I said, your life is not so fucking profound that everything in it is literary. You don't literally go down to the store, because you've never figuratively gone down to the store. You just go to the fucking store, okay? You don't need to add drama to everything, and even when you do, please add dramatic words that make some goddamned sense. Like, "I practically went to the store," or "You won't believe how I went to the store." Do these sentences sound stupidly overdramatic? Then add literally to them and you'll see now how you not only added unnecessary drama to your sentence, you used a word stupidly in the process.

So let's stop using the word all together. Because let's face it, I really can't trust you to use it correctly. And again, notice I didn't say I literally can't trust you because THAT'S.... FUCKING....... STUPID!!!