Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Best of #TheBibleSays

 

...and when #TheBibleSays trends as a hashtag on Twitter, and I have way too much fun with it, I think they should all be collected in one place. That place is, this blog post. Enjoy!

PS: Each #TheBibleSays hashtag is converted to a link to send you right to that tweet so that you, if you're not blocking @DaveMarr6, can see whatever stupid 'correction' he made on it, and hilarity can ensue... and any seemingly vague reference to other stupid shit in the bible will be hyperlinked to the verses they reference from the BibleGateway website. (Eventually... it's a work in progress)

  • #TheBibleSays preachy people need to STFU because they don't know what they're talking about. Seriously, read Job. The whole POINT of it.
  • God is love, but to follow his son you have to hate everybody else. (Bu-bu-but it means to love less than, they say). Yeah.
  • #TheBibleSays slavery is totally okay, but if your kid disobeys you, stone him to death. But Thou shalt not murder!
  • #TheBibleSays bald people are justified in having kids making fun of them mauled by a bear.
  • #TheBibleSays a guy was swallowed by a fish, not a whale. You know, because that way it makes much more sense.
  • #TheBibleSays false prophets should be killed. But Jesus's followers expected the end during his lifetime. Good thing he was killed.
  • #TheBibleSays God regretted making people, then drowned all but a few, then regretted that, then let us all grow bad again. Dumbass.
  • #TheBibleSays there shalt be a nation that'll be the greatest one built on my son's foundations! Oh wait. It doesn't. And it didn't happen.
  • #TheBibleSays people who hate correction are stupid (Pro 12:1) then has a son who sets up a religion that hates to be corrected. Hmmmm.....
  • #TheBibleSays never trust anything that bleeds for several days and doesn't die. That actually IS in there.
  • #TheBibleSays Jebus gave a guy keys to kingdom, meaning a pope will tell the world what to do. I think it's time to have the locks changed.
  • #TheBibleSays Nobody can know the time or day that the end comes. It's like saying, "Know how to keep an idiot in suspense?"
  • #TheBibleSays people did not come from monkeys. Oh wait, no it didn't. Then again, neither did Darwin.
  • #TheBibleSays God was so obsessed with the presence of his followers' penises. I guess he got over it though.
  • #TheBibleSays eating pork is bad, but then changes its mind, what comes OUT, not IN, makes one unclean. So don't eat pork and then vomit.
  • #TheBibleSays it's an abomination for man to lie with man like a woman would. So if you're gay, do positions no woman would ever willingly do
  • #TheBibleSays thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. I've met many witches. They weren't suffering. They were living quite well, thank you.
  • #TheBibleSays he who is w/o sin cast the first stone. Then Jesus didn't cast one. I'm guessing he'd just done something naughty.
  • #TheBibleSays bitches be crazy. Says they must cover their heads and not speak. So when do crazy male preachers have to?
  • #TheBibleSays God is a guilt-tripping passive/aggressive parent, which makes the whole world guilty only because of his abuse.
  • #TheBibleSays to change any words in it is to have your salvation candle snuffed out. Looks like hell for me then:
     
  • #TheBibleSays in God's patience he drowned the world as a symbol of today's baptism. That's patience? No really, THAT'S FUCKING PATIENCE?!?!
  • #TheBibleSays jealousy is a sin. But God is a jealous God. But God can't have anything to do with sin. But... *LOGICEXPLOSION*
  • #TheBibleSays a city was destroyed by homosexuality. But another one was destroyed by a single loaf of barley. When are we gonna see Westboro people with signs that say "God hates barley loaves"?
  • #TheBibleSays we're all cursed by Eve's booboo. But God doesn't punish others for their ancestor's mistakes. Um...
  • #TheBibleSays a deacon is to have only one wife. Only deacons. Everyone else gets to have as many as they want. And I just want one husband.
  • #TheBibleSays Jesus walked on water. Then says his followers would do the same/even greater things than he does. So walk on water or STFU.
  • #TheBibleSays it was God-breathed. I've seen the shit in it. I think God needs a mint. Like, a whole roll of them.
  • #TheBibleSays that a man is a word and a word was made flesh. Now that's some kinky-ass calligraphy.
  • #TheBibleSays that Jesus told everybody the way to remember him: He said, "Eat me!" And when I say that, people tell me it's inappropriate.
  • #TheBibleSays God told someone to cook food over his own shit. It's to symbolize the coming of fast food, my guess.
  • #TheBibleSays everyone will be forced to take a 3-digit head tattoo and worship a beast. I can't wait for that party. Sounds pretty boss.
  • #TheBibleSays a son walked in and saw his dad's dong, lost his inheritance. Anthony Weiner showed everyone his and none of US lost anything
  • #TheBibleSays a guy willing to push his daughters out to rapists was the only one worth of saving in a city. But enough about Oakland...
  • #TheBibleSays eating pork and seafood makes you unclean. But doesn't say anything about Olestra.
  • #TheBibleSays if you have sex with an animal, you must die and so must the animal. I'm afraid of what happens should a fundie become a furry
  • #TheBibleSays Elijah hid in a ravine and was fed by birds for seven years. How is this anything unlike Eric Rudolph?
  • #TheBibleSays God praised a guy who plunged his knife through a soldier and his prostitute for being as zealous as He. Nothing extreme there
  • #TheBibleSays a hand appeared and wrote on a wall the words signifying doom to Babylon's king. Their hanging gardens? Clearly grew chronic.
  • #TheBibleSays John the Baptist wore weird shit & ate bugs & his ministry precluded . So theres hope for you yet
  • #TheBibleSays consider lilies of the field; they don't work but God cares for them. But when I don't my idle hands are the devil's tools.
  • #TheBibleSays Lazarus was raised from the dead, doesn't say he needed a serious shower to clean that funk.
  • #TheBibleSays a hairy guy sold his inheritance for a bowl of soup. People on think that's stupid. Should'a got a biscuit too.
  • #TheBibleSays Samson lost his power when his hair was cut. I think this explains everything about why Metallica sucks ass right now.
  • #TheBibleSays Satan tempted Jesus for 40 days. Last time I was at a gay bar this one ugly guy was persistent, but DAMN!
  • #TheBibleSays a bunch of people began talking in different languages on Pentecost. Hell I get that whenever I get a Slurpee at 7-11
  • #TheBibleSays the Philistines had to pay a trespass-offering with golden tumors. I have no joke for this one. That's one big-ass WTF there
  • #TheBibleSays knowing good & evil is bad. But it's a book about good & evil. So on page 1 it's warning you DON'T READ ME! Therefore, don't.
  • #TheBibleSays how some long dead desert people lived, but nothing important to you, here, now, whatsoever.
  • #TheBibleSays a lot of really stupid shit. I love that I live in a time when we know we don't give a shit about what